Can't Sleep

Kainis... pardon me kung walang sense tong ginagawa ko. bad trip lang, i want to doze off ASAP,yet ayaw ako dalawin ng antok... kaya eto, gumagawa ng walang kwentang entry.

bakit ganun? kung kelan kailangan ko mag-aral, antok na antok ako. kung kelan naman gusto ko magpahinga agad, di ako makatulog.

argh!

CryBaby

- i hate being one...

this morning when we rehearsed for Indakan, me left thigh terribly hurt! i might have been doing something wrong during our previous practices for it to hurt that bad. plus i have this habit of pushing myself to the limit just to get something right. so there i was forcing myself to move and tried to ignore the pain. but that just didn't work, it only made the situation worse, up to the point that i could barely move because the pain was killing me.

the rest were already doing their thing, polishing their moves... while on the floor i was, just sitting and watching them. i hated the feeling, i wanted to clean my routine as well! i stood up and tried again, but the more i hurt myself. i felt so helpless, i cried! partly because i was ashamed avel might find out i was in pain. part of it as well was fear that he might scold me for not dancing at performance level, i just can't! but the real reason was the disappointment i felt that i wasn't able to do my best - not even close to doing good. sigh. i know i shouldn't blame myself. but i just was so dissatisfied with myself. but i just wish i ain't that prone to tears. no matter how i hold them back, they just voluntarily fall.

...pArAnOiD...

darn! never in my life have i dreaded hearing my fone ring and seeing any of my family member's name appearing onscreen as the caller. grabe, it's just soooo weird! usually naman super excited ako everytime they call me. but now, it's really different, and strange!

it occurred to me thrice these past few days. i always have second thoughts if i really want to pick up and hear what they want to say. i understand why. i am just so scared that i always preempt what they intend to tell me. paranoid - that's what i am right now... knowing the situation at home, and being so scared to hear anything bad that may possibly happen.

a while ago it happened again. i was with shally, ph, and eszard at the lagoon late this afternoon (hmm? y kami nandun? secret na noh! hahah!) then britney's 'toxic' was summoning my attention from deep in by backpack. i hurriedly scrambled for my phone to answer the call. seeing that my mom was on the line suddenly made my heart throb so wildly. again, i thought of not picking up. but then again, i just had to.

when i heard her voice i immediately asked her purpose of calling (which is so not me, there was no lambing factor whatsoever). and it was so evident in her voice that there really was something unusual. so, there i go, uncontrollably going over the possibilities in my head (i.e. something might have happened to my lolo). i hated her pa-bitin style, the more i grew tense, and scared. kaya yun, super iyak na agad ako.i just couldn't contain my nervousness and i repeatedly asked how dad was. it was super nakakahiya sa mga friends ko! para akong anime character na ngumangawa (yung walang tigil ang pagdaloy ng luha, with matching hagulgol... but syempre may compusure pa rin!)

so there, i just wasn't able to hold back my emotions. then suddenly, i heard on the other line the voice of my baby cousin who was supposedly at jeddah, saudi... he was asking how i was? i was so surprised! i couldn't believe hearing my aunt and cousin, nasa bahay pala sila! then it became clear to me. mom called to surprise me that they have already arrived.

super urgent naman!!! just about 2 days ago, mama told me they MIGHT come home. never did i expect their arrival was gonna be this soon! i am glad their here, honestly. but still it could never cover up my fears and worries. they would never have come home if dad wasn't in a critical condition. sigh...

then, i did my stupid mistake again... my tita brought the phone to dad's ear so i could tell him i'm here, and how much i want him to get well. then again, i just sobbed. no matter how i tried to encourage him, i just couldn't bear the pain of hearing nothing but faint groans... that wasn't the lolo i left weeks ago. and i couldn't imagine how i could fake being strong seeing him 2 weeks from now. but that is the fact - he is already severely paralyzed. but then, i would never cease to believe in miracles... i know He watches.

Avel, the Great!!!

After being so immersed in my depression re: my grandpa's condition, at last something has taken my mind off the problem for a while.

We already had our first choreo day for eng'g week's indakan (at long last!). Having worked with Master Avel last year already gave me the idea of how superb his talents really are. He has been the key (this we must admit) to KEM's grandslam victory (and more) in indakan.

When we started working on this year's repertoire, I was just so amazed at realizing that he really is a genius!!! He's just unbelievably magical! Ang galing niya mag-isip!!! Super asteeeg nung opening act namin. (whew, I just wish the group could give justice to his ultimately fabulous ideas!) Basta, almost everything he comes up with never fails to amaze us. Galing, sobra!

Kaya sa iba diyan, be afraid... Be very afraid! Hahaha... (actually malakas lang ang loob ko kasi puro KEMers naman yung may alam nitong blog ko, heheheh...) But honestly, the idea is undoubtedly winnable... But everything would depend on how we would bring life to his work. I just wish we would not fail him this time. And I just wish we would not fail the org, the people who believe and support us, and ourselves as well.

Super Super Depressed!

Sigh, I've had much of a depressing day! At about noon, when I was getting ready to go to SM North with Fra and my Brother Bear, my mom suddenly called. She told me that daddy (my lolo, that is), already woke up. I was thinking, why in the world did she have to inform me that he was already awake? I mean, what was the big deal?

- - - About 4 days ago, when we were having the Indakan auditions, my tita from parañaque accidentally called me (she was supposed to call my mom). She asked how dad was. I told her I think he's quite ok and I didn't really know because I was here at QC. Surprisingly, she asked me if I didn't know that dad was rushed to the hospital due to stroke! I panicked and immediately called home to confirm the bad news! However, my mom told me that he was ok, maybe my tita was just misinformed. I believed Mama and forgot the issue... - - -

So when I got Mama's call a while ago, the painful truth sank in... It was true that dad suffered stroke, and apparently, my family lied by assuring me he was perfectly fine, when he wasn't! My mom had no way out, so she had to admit the whole truth. And it cut me deeply. Daddy just woke up this noon, after FIVE DAYS from confinement! That was terrible! She said I should talk to him to encourage him to fight and get well, because it was only when my little cousins arrived and talked him to waking up that he actually did. So she held the fone to dad so we could talk. Groans - were the only thing I heard from him, not a clear word. No matter how I fought back tears, they just flowed so rapidly. That was then that I realized that his speech was already impaired. He was also paralyzed. Instead of giving him a word of encouragement, I just sobbed! Stupid me! Mama said I shouldn't have done that, the more my grandfather would feel weak, knowing how sad I was. But I was so helpless. Mama told me to talk to him again, but I just didn't have the strength. I knew I wouldn't say a word again, so I refused.

Sobrang hurt ako. Why did my family have to keep such big crucial matter from me? Thanks to Buddy Bars and Brother Bear for making me understand that my family was just protecting me from hurt and worry, especially that I was far from them. They knew how much I loved dad, and how close we were.

I feel so helpless, I could no nothing but pray. Oh God! I could not afford losing another loved one. It's barely 3 months since my only uncle left us, and the pain still lingers. It was just last month when my mom has undergone a major operation - and it was really torture for me. Thank God, she survived and recovered fast. Now please, not my Lolo...

I have just bought my Christmas present for him last week, and I'm excited to give it to him when I get home. Now I just wish we could spend Christmas happily, with the entire family. I don't know what I'm gonna do if something unacceptably bad happens to any of my family.

I feel soooooo down. I missed the company of my beloved friends, I just wanted to be beside them to share my pains with, now that I'm far from my family. We did see each other, but were all busy with our respective lives. Sigh... At least I know there's always someone who is beside me no matter what. Oh God, please take care of Dad... Please please please I'm down on my knees... *sob*

JAZZ Lovin' It!!!

After long years of giving it much thought, I have finally found something I definitely want to pursue. Before the Indakan audition was held, Melan conducted Jazz class. I was so surprized to realize how much I loved every bit of it! Contrary to my usual satisfaction of just being able to do the steps right, I had this special urge that moved me to do the BEST I can (at hindi ako ganun, bacause I'm usually contented with "OK na"...) I was so flabbergasted at how graceful Melan moved. The more I watched him, the more I was inspired to do better.

Long before, I knew that hiphop/streetdance is not really my thing. Perhaps I can also do the moves, and I enjoy those dances, after all, that's what we normally do in KEM Troupers. But then, a while ago, there was this fire burning in me... There was this "euphoria" that made me feel pleasantly different while I moved. Hay, basta ang sarap! Then, I knew it, this genre is for me.

Of course, right now I have very limited knowledge about Jazz. An hour-long class would never be enough. But I guess that was more than enough to make me realize how much I wanted to learn the craft. (Sigh, I'm just so sure how disappointed I would make my mom feel if she learns I'm more interested in doing this, than actually being ang engineer!)

All these made me remember our Dearest Ate Vicky, my greatest dance influence. I always looked up to her. She never failed to amaze me everytime she danced. I wanted to be like her. I even told her before how much I wanted to take jazz class. She said it was too expensive for a student like me. Moreover, I was convincing myself that acads should be my ultimate purpose. For a time, my pursuit of jazz kinda died. But when I got to dance it again a while ago, the rebirth of my passion automatically flared! Wow, the feeling was just so amazing! I have decided, if there's something I really want to do - that is learn jazz, and dance my heart and soul out! Of course it would still take a long time. Maybe when I finish college and get a good job... Maybe when I already have the luxury of time and money to take professional jazz training... Maybe, just maybe...

Sigh, going back... Until now, I still am at awe of what a great dancer Melan is... After our Jazz class, we had Streetdance next with Binoe and Ate Aimie. While we were dancing, Melan was moving along. He was just wonderful! How could he do all different genres so perfectly? I fell in love with the way he danced! Which made me think: IF ONLY he was straight, I might as well have courted him, no matter how conservative I am to such issues... Pero ganun talaga... Pareho kami ng hanap eh... =)

~ walang kwentang blog ~

hay, pangit noh? Wala man lang perks tong blog ko. ='(

I have long planned on fixing and adding life to this, but then I really can't find the time... Lalo na ngayon, ENG'G WEEK na...

So, sa mga loyal friends na nag-pa-patronize nitong blog ko, THANKS ha? (sniff... sniff...) Touched talaga ko. =)

Pag matapos na lahat lahat, i'll see to it, this would be something worth visiting! =)

Hello Again, INDAKAN!

Yoohoo!!! Indaker ulit ako! Hahah, I'm sooooo happy... Ewan ko bah, mahal na mahal ko talaga ang Indakan! Another reason to rejoice is that, lahat kami na nag-audition pasok sa line-up! Yey! =) Ewan ko ba, super pinahirapan pa kami, at pinakaba, tatanggapin din naman pala lahat! But then, happy pa rin! Yippee!!!

I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it! (wait lang, kanta ata to ah!) We're gonna meet tomorrow with Master Avel to decide on the music and concepts... I just know it, this is going to be something unique, and FABULOUS! Genius ata yun!

Basta, I can't wait!

UNO

Whew!!!

I can feel the heat!!!

I'm just sooooooooooo psyched to get started with the Indakan endeavor! Finally, UP ACES released the theme for this year's competition - "UNO"... Whatever that means, heheh... Actually, it restricts all music to be used in the presentation to come from one artist only...

Ate Vicky called and told me that Our Master Genius - Avel, is so excited to do the choreo already... That's why we need to conduct the auditions ASAP. We have just contacted some of the alumni Indakers to be part of the screening panel (sosyal, diba?) At the same time, kinakabahan din ako!!! I really want to be a part of the competing group... again! But of course, that would depend on how I would perform on the auditions... Hay, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

ENG'G WEEK NA!!!

Although I have already resurrected, pardon me for being thrifty with my upcoming entries... Kasi naman........

ENG'G WEEK na!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be pouring ALL my energy, time, effort (as well as money) for the preparation para sa Eng'g Week... Not that I am obliged to, but once and for all, this is what I wanna do!!! My God, nalalasap ko na ang most coveted EWOC para sa KEM!!! Woohoo!!! =) Nobody else deserves it more than we do... Kasi, THE BEST ang KEM! No more explanation needed, enough said...

RESURRECTED!!!

Heller!!!

Matapos kong mawala sa sirkulasyon ng pagkatagal-tagal, ako po ay muling nagbabalik!!!

Hahah! Nakakahiya kasi sa mga taong tumangkilik sa blog ko at na-disappoint everytime they saw na wala man lang nadagdag na entry...

Pasensiya po... Super haggard lang kasi... And for a time, I just didn't feel like writing...

But now, i'm back to the old me! =)